10 Modern Relationship Teachings that can Swirl You Deeper into Covert Abuse
Many modern relationship teachings are reinforcing toxic relationships, specifically for women. Of course, often the caveat is given “this information applies to healthy relationships, and not abusive dynamics”.
Here is the problem: many women experiencing covert abuse do not actually know they are in an abusive dynamic.
Covert manipulation, narcissistic tendencies, and subtle forms of control can come in many forms. Often the perpetrators of these dynamics are wildly skilled and manipulative people, who can have you spun in a web of illusions.
The insidiousness of individuals with narcissistic tendencies is that often times you are completely unaware of what is really happening. And these behaviour tendencies are unfortunately on the rise, running rampant in our culture.
(* NOTE: Narcissistic behaviour patterns and narcissistic personality disorder are two different things. I speak to these tendencies and behaviour patterns as they exist on a spectrum, and within this article, I am referring to any individual who demonstrates these patterns of behaviour to an extent that it is harmful towards others. Some of these individuals are aware they are causing harm, some are not consciously or intentionally causing harm. Either way, these types of individuals demonstrate a specific set of qualities and behaviours that make them ill adapted to participate in healthy relationships with others.)
The prevalence of these patterns means that the chances you’ve interacted with a person who displays them, is actually quite high. Especially if you are an empathic, sensitive and caring woman, often a very empowered one.
The women I know who are most self aware have a common weakness. While diving into your healing and personal development is key to your growth and success, it can also make you predisposed to taking too much responsibility for problems (especially in your relationships). Bonus points if you are an oldest daughter, high achiever, and committed to your spiritual journey.
Sometimes too much self reflection can cause you to feel responsible and take ownership when it’s really not your place.
The modern world of relational healing and self help can actually place you in a position of overextending in a relationship that is abusive.
The thing about covert dynamics is that it’s not overtly abusive. Abuse does not necessarily mean bodily harm or threat. This can look like your mind and self worth being slowly chipped away at, causing you to feel more and more insecure and wounded, and to take more and more “ownership” over healing the relationship.
People with narcissistic tendencies are highly effective at creating a positive impression on people around them, so people around you might reinforce that your partner is an amazing man. In fact members of your community who you respect and trust may have very high opinions of this person.
Common modern relationship teachings that can reinforce covert abuse:
1. “Don’t speak negatively about your partnership, or share intimate details with friends or family — open up to a trusted coach or therapist but keep your relationship challenges private”
I’ll start by saying I do understand why this teaching is important, from experience. Constantly sharing the intimate details of the conflict in your relationship with others can create unhealthy negative energy from others (who are usually not experts). Speaking negatively over someone, or the bond you share, also has negative implications on your energetic connection and builds resentment in the field of your intimacy.
The danger is, if you aren’t sharing about the details of the conflicts in your relationship with anyone outside of it, it can take much longer to see what would have been much more clear to someone on the outside.
In a relationship with someone narcissistic, you will be too immersed in the manipulation to see things clearly. Things that seem questionable or like red flags are convincingly dismissed or turned around on you in every conflict. Often it isn’t until you share the intimate details of a conflict with a close trusted friend that you are able to see how deeply you are gaslighting yourself.
If you are sharing details with a coach, they may not recognize the abuse that is happening because it is so subtle and pervasive. These people can be so skillful that, even during conflicts, you are seeing them, and therefore presenting them to others, in a positive way.
Many therapists and coaches are also not trained to recognize symptoms of narcissism, and therefore can also be fooled, reinforcing your pattern of taking on responsibility (because good coaching and therapy should always invite you to look at your own stuff).
Looking at your own side will only make things worse in a dynamic like this, because it lets the narcissistic person off the hook.
It’s always a good idea to have a few trusted and unbiased friends, or a coach/therapist who understands covert abuse and narcissistic behaviour, to share with who can help you see unhealthy patterns over time.
2. “Always choose to go first in healing conflict and coming back to love”
While in a healthy relationship, it’s a beautiful practice to move beyond closure as often as possible, this can be a harmful approach when dealing with a person displaying tendencies of narcissism.
The reason is because these individuals will NEVER take responsibility. They will never face their role in conflict. They will never heal or grow and take care of their side of the street.
The invitation to “always go first” can reinforce a pattern of overextending and over taking responsibility.
If someone is not going first in repairing conflict at least some of the time, it’s a huge red flag. And that will be harder to notice if you decide that always opening to love is your role.
3. “Make it safe for an avoidant person to take space”
As someone with a historically more anxious pattern in relationships, creating “safety” for your partner in space might become a practice and priority to you. The problem is that with a narcissistic person, the safety is only extended in one direction.
If you have a history of anxiety, you’ll likely need to create safety around space in relationships. A great way to detect if your partner is someone who has the capacity to create safety for you is this:
Ask your partner (after conflict is resolved) that in the future they communicate around their need for space, offer healthy reassurance, and give you a timeline for reconnection. If these needs are not met time and time again, your safety is not important to this person.
Space is healthy in all relationships, and so is open communication and safety around that space.
Stone-walling, or just disappearing without notice, is abusive. It is not taking into consideration your needs for safety. You should not tolerate or make it “safe” for a partner to treat you this way.
4. “Invite his claim through your openness, surrender, submission”
Being claimed is beautiful, and it happens through a man’s conscious choice. A man who is ready to fully choose and commit to a woman knows that before meeting her. He is looking for a woman to commit to. He does not need to be “invited” or convinced to claim.
On the other hand, when a man is NOT openly and directly telling you he fully chooses you and is ready to commit to your love (and reinforcing that with actions), and your response is to become more submissive, you are opening yourself up to be used, manipulated, and taken advantage of.
You do not invite his claim through your surrender to him. Your surrender happens naturally in response to the safety created by his claim, commitment, and choice.
You invite the commitment and claim of a healthy man by being upfront and open that this is what you desire, and holding your boundaries if he is not explicitly clear that he wants the same.
You do not need to become more surrendered or open to a man in order for him to desire you or commit to you.
5. “There is no place for jealousy inside of a relationship”
While there is certainly healing to do around inner child wounds if jealousy is a common theme for you, these fears and worries usually aren’t triggered by a partner who has integral energetic boundaries.
Even if your partner is not physically or technically crossing the lines of your relationship with other people, you will feel it if there are energetic leaks.
And in a secure partnership where both people are fully committed, those leaks don’t exist. So that weird feeling you get about another woman isn’t necessarily your wounds, it could be your intuition feeling the gaps in the energetic boundaries of the relationship.
A healthy partner will make it known to the world that he’s claimed through his energy. You will feel it, and so will other women.
If your partner repeatedly experiences other women coveting, admiring, or infatuated with him, he’s energetically open for that attention.
And if he has narcissistic tendencies, he will use those experiences to triangulate you into feeling like you are the insecure, jealous, possessive one, and need to heal. All while participating in these energetic exchanges that amplify your insecurities.
Lastly, a healthy partner will reassure you and attempt to reestablish trust in moments of fear or jealousy. A person with narcissistic tendencies will gaslight you and make you doubt and question yourself.
6. “Fully choose the person you’re with and don’t question that choice in every conflict”
Being all in is a two way street. We are often taught that one partner becoming secure and not questioning the relationship every time there is conflict will invite the other into a secure dynamic.
This doesn’t work with a narcissistic person. The more you choose them and commit to them, the more insecure they will make you feel. The more securely attached you are, the more they will feed from your energy and keep you coming back for more.
Not questioning the dynamic while they oscillate between hot and cold behaviour causes you to gaslight yourself. More on that in the next point…
7. “If you are feeling anxious, insecure, doubt, or lack of trust in the relationship, this is your wound playing out and you need to heal from past trauma”
While I see many cases where this is correct, there are also equally as many cases where the feelings of uncertainty, anxiety, doubt and confusion are not a trauma response at all. They are real and perceived healthy responses to an unsafe and inconsistent person.
Thinking that anytime these feelings surface it is because of your trauma is dangerous because it can cause you to override your body’s very intelligent warning system, telling you that you should indeed not trust this person.
If you are a highly sensitive and spiritual woman it is even more likely the case that your intuition is picking up on something that your conscious mind can’t perceive, and is trying to warn you.
If you have a low lying feeling of doubt, thinking something is wrong (but can’t place your finger on it), or you’re not fully trusting the person you’re with (even though things seem healthy and beautiful on the surface) dig deeper! Ask hard questions. Explore that feeling don’t brush it off or automatically blame it on your trauma.
8. “Sacred union is a mirror that reveals your inner darkness / shadows and helps you evolve”
A healthy partnership will reveal to you where you still have inner work to do, and this is a beautiful thing.
However, a relationship with a narcissistic person will reinforce your wounds, and cause you to obsessively work to heal them. This is because a person with narcissistic tendencies uses information about your wounds that you share vulnerably to subtly reinforce those patterns in you.
The manipulation will have you believing your deepest wounds are being revealed through the “sacred mirror” of your relationship. And that it is your role to use this information to deepen your work on yourself.
The problem is that yet again, this mentality can reinforce a toxic dynamic of one partner taking all of the responsibility to grow, evolve, and heal.
In a sacred union, BOTH partners are actively using the things the relationship brings up to better themselves. And both partners support the other in their healing process by creating a safety that was not present when the wound was created.
If old wounds (that you felt you had mostly healed) continue to present and feel like they are becoming more severe, your relationship might be exacerbating your wounds, or using them against you for a sense of control. This is not a scared union.
9. “If someone is behaving harmfully it is always a result of trauma. Hurt people hurt people”
While in most cases, hurt is usually a result of trauma or pain, this is actually not always the case.
As an empathic woman, it can be very easy to look for the best in everyone and want to help them heal. While assuming and looking for the best in others is a beautiful quality, it can be turned against you when dealing with a narcissist.
Narcissistic tendencies are actually not always the result of trauma, and there are people who truly are not operating from a wound.
Holding the life view that all people are inherently good can cause you to further enable harmful behaviour. Always looking to have compassion for the perceived root cause of someone’s behaviour can cause you to overlook the fact that regardless of the cause, the behaviour itself is unacceptable.
Many people with narcissistic tendencies thrive off of being perceived as a victim, so assuming that trauma is the cause of their behaviour allows them to perpetuate harm without taking accountability.
Taking accountability is absolutely essential to any healthy relationship. If you are the only one taking accountability in a relationship, it is toxic.
10. “You are a match to the negative experiences in your life”
It’s always important to take personal accountability for your role in your reality.
And, this belief can foster victim blaming and can suck you deeper into the line of thinking that got you involved in narcissistic abuse in the first place.
If the experience of narcissistic abuse resonates with you, it is not your fault. You have been manipulated by someone who is an expert at manipulation.
Taking the blame for “being a match” can cycle you into deeper self doubt, insecurity, and uncertainty, deepening your lack of trust in yourself. The most important first step is to build yourself back up.
When you feel your sense of self worth strengthening, it can be helpful to look at your tendency to embody certain qualities. Looking at where you may need to develop stronger boundaries, higher self worth or discernment, and release patterns of overextending can be helpful, when it is done with self compassion.
Eventually doing the work to examine the ways you may have internalized the glamorization of abuse and violence towards women, romantic fantasies, and rose coloured glasses is essential. Look at where you’ve been conditioned to “save” a broken man, and even subconsciously romanticize this concept.
If you resonate with any of the situations shared in this article, first of all, I’m sorry you’re experiencing that. I hope the information here helped you gain insight into your circumstances. I also encourage you to seek support from a trusted professional who can help you get clear eyes on your unique situation. Following online relationship advice (or any advice for that matter) blindly can lead to trouble. Every case and individual is so unique.
If you’re interested in receiving support around this and breaking free from toxic relationship cycles, I’m offering a 3 month group mentorship program, and the next cohort begins mid July 2024.
You can read all the details here.
Sending big love as always,