Understanding Extractive Relationships
What is an extractive relationship?
Any relationship which thrives and feeds off of your personal life force energy, eventually sucking you dry.
It could be a relationship with a person like a romantic partner, boss, friend. It could be a relationship with a job or workplace. It could be your relationship with social media.
Any extractive relationship requires you to continue to pour more and more of yourself into it.
It’s a never ending pit.
This relationship may seem to “give back” especially at first. Your emotional needs are met for a time. You get a nice salary. You get a high from these hits of energy.
These relationships reciprocate just enough to keep you in their web, so you continue giving your life force away.
This exchange only sucks you in deeper. It is not truly built on reciprocity. Because no matter how much of yourself you give, they always want more.
An extractive relationship with the earth
I see this as a huge root cause of this dynamic in our culture. Modern society is based on an extractive, versus reciprocal relationship with the Earth and her resources.
We want more, more, more. An infinitely expanding economy, built on a finite system. Corporate interests “give back” with symbolic gestures like planting a tree in the name of green washing.
But the exchange is never equal, never reciprocal.
An extractive relationship with a romantic partner
You continue to give, grow, show up differently, and over-extend, while your needs are met inconsistently.
There is a general feeling of anxiety or confusion. It feels like your cup has a hole in the bottom: the relationship is a drain on your life force.
Over time your life feels less and less fulfilling and rich.
You try to communicate your needs, but are made to feel like a burden, that you are the problem, and are expecting too much.
an extractive relationship with your job
The expectations are a constantly moving target. You show up early, stay late, say yes to an extra project.
You push to complete deadlines, even when they’re given last minute. But somehow it’s never enough, and when you ask for a raise, a break, time off — you’re told you’re asking too much.
No matter how much time and energy you give, it always feels like you aren’t doing enough.
An extractive relationship with social media
You produce content for free, constantly jumping through hoops to beat the newest algorithm.
They use your content to keep people addicted and using the app. But when you want to benefit also, by promoting your paid offering, your content is silenced or punished.
You are addicted to scrolling, but receive very little benefit from the time and energy you spend.
An extractive relationship with a mentor
Their prices go up and up and up, but you’re getting the exact same service as you were before. They take things out of the package to “set an example”.
You get told you’re getting a deal if you pay massive amounts of $ because it’s really WORTH even more to “be in their energy”.
They teach you to double your prices, but in the end all your money goes toward paying them.
what to do
Tolerating these dynamics in any relationship is toxic. It’s a sign you need stronger boundaries and self worth. It’s also wildly commonplace.
These dynamics are addictive. Your brain is wired to continue to seek that high you got in the beginning when it all felt so good. You’ll do anything to get back to that place, including giving away all of your energy until there’s nothing left.
If you’re ready to do the work to break these patterns, rewire your attraction and attachment system, and create healthy, loving, reciprocal relationships rooted in sovereignty, check out my upcoming group mentorship: Sovereign Love.